Buhay Pa Ba Ako?

That day, I cheated death.
I committed suicide when I was 15. I took up 14 pills, 500 mg. each. Extreme emotions, depression, shame, fear, guilt, feeling hopeless, total waste, all the factor that trigggered my suicidal thoughts. I am so depressed that time nobody knows how deeply I was hurt. Shame because at my tender age I engaged in early marriage. Fear of uncertaintly. Guilt for breaking my promise to my father who's only wish is for me to have a good life. He sacrificed to work in a far distant land only to give us all the best things in life. I am his favorite daughter. I brought honor to the family. I was a consistent honor student.

And a total failure.

That day, I felt it almost as a lost entity darkly drawing me into an eternal vacuum of death. I saw death. And I cheated death?

Why am I still alive?

I woke up, and saw the figure of a man dressed in white( doctor) beside me in a hospital bed. He told me: Your not smart. Smart people never commit suicide. Then I heard a cry, junior students brought that amulet like thing to me. They whispered: This medal is for you. You won in feature writing competition regional level. I smiled. Then I slept.

I haven't have a clue to how my story will end. A day above the ground is always better?

Until this day, the memory of my father haunts me.

My father who's only wish is for me to have a good life.

Good education. Good family.

Not early marriage. Not mediocrity.

This is the price I have to pay.

Broken dreams.

Broken marriage.

My father died a lonely man.

And I am dying many times because of this guilt.

Today, people offers prayer of gratitude and remembrance to their departed one.

To my father, forgive your loving daughter.